An Arrow to the Knee - A Brutally Honest Skyrim Review (We're about to talk a lot of shit)

Let's Be Honest... 

Indisputably one of the best games of 2011, and the fifth installment of the Elder Scrolls fantasy-RPG series, Skyrim has been well-recieved and loved by millions. Despite the negative things that we're fixin' to say in this review, Skyrim is amazing. Its looks fantastic in high definition, a feat made all the more impressive when you think about how 'big' the game is (Mountains, Giants, Mammoths, and of course, Dragons galore). In addition to to being awesome, the characters, armor, magic, leveling in this game have taken a huge step forward from what came stock in Oblivion. Dual-Wielding is fantastic. The Skyforge is enchanting. The list goes on and on. Skyrim is amazing. Skyrim is amazing.

Let's just gets this out of the way  

TDWB Rating 9.5/10

Main Negative Points- 'Bout to get serious...

Despite being awesome in most aspects of the game, older fans of the series couldn't help but be disappointed with a few things *inhale* ...

• Dragon Aren't As Cool as Expected - Dragons were supposed to be the big, new thing do battle with in Skyrim. They look brutal and terrifying, and they are, but after a few hours in, they start getting annoying an just plain boring. Avoiding their shouts until they land is about as challenging as it gets - around the second 'land' phase of the dragon fight, you have chopped its health down to nothing. A dime a dozen, they appear so often and are so easy to kill, their bones and scales over-encumber you. Todd Howard stated that he was excited that Dragons will chase you wherever you go, but perhaps seeing how awkwardly they fly (and 'pursue' you, for that matter), maybe he decided to compensate and make them spawn everywhere. Despite all of the bashing, the dragons of Skyrim are, in fact, cool, but it's safe to say Howard went a little too
  Peter Molyneux-y on the dragons

• Dynamic Snowfall?- Contrary to popular belief, there is no official source that can be cited (that we know of, at least) that ever stated there would be dynamic snowfall in Skyrim (As users as the internet, most of us believed Wikipedia with this false information on the subject). That being said, there was no way someone can argue that it wasn't expected (and highly anticipated. Just search 'Dynamic Snowfall' on the web). Todd Howard and the team at Bethesda should have put the time in to make it happen. There's no way it didn't come up in conversation: "Hey Todd, since the entire map is basically really fucking cold, why not implement some sort of dynamic snowfall to spruce things up?" 

In any case, it may appear as if we're just being sticklers (that's how this review works, if you haven't figured that out), but it just is something that bothers us as well as other folks. If you're gonna make someone name their kid after this game, can you at least get some snow action going on?

Keanu, always the deep thinker.

• Fallout Mod - Another obviously painful aspect of Skyrim is that it just feels like Fallout 3 (I, for one, did not play Fallout New Vegas, and I expect it too be just like, if not more like Skyrim). We know it's unfair to say, seeing as how the Fallout 3 is also awesome, but we just don't want to think about radiated landscapes, Nuka Cola, and an Iguana on a Stick when trying enjoy the grandeur and genius of the Elder Scrolls.

• No Infinite Quests - Todd Howard, director of Skyrim, told Wired.com in an interview that “The vibe of the game is that it’s something that you can play forever.” He can argue that he meant to intend to have readers think that he meant "There's a lot of shit to do in this game," but I guess we understood wrong. With the image of an unending pursuit of justice/bloodshed in the glorious land of Skyrim emblazoned in our hearts, we waited until the release. Its only after we start completing all of the quest in the game to realize that - what, ho? Doth end of quest-lines upon thy horizon break- or something like that. Okay, before you argue that there are indeed unending quest-lines, like the very well-recieved Dark Brotherhood line, does it even matter? How many times can you do the same things until infinite quests starts to feel like the same thing over and over? It's not even like it's a new feature to this game. I know that, as an avid Oblivion fan, the Dark Brotherhood had another unending quest-line once you complete all of their 'unique' quests (Spoiler Alert: You kill the entire guild yourself - which you then try to reestablish by visiting the Nightmother and listening to her tell you which door to knock on to be 'recruited'. Enthralling in the least).

• Missing Legging Slots - As an attempt to make the game have a more 'solid and stablaized' feel, Bethesda thought it best if, unlike Oblivion, Skyrim would only have a single piece of armor for the torso, no slot for leg armor. We understand that, yes, it does indeed create a more 'stabilized' feel to the game as far as keeping people from looking like a Daedric Lord who decided to take it easy and wear leather pants, but we want to be able to look like a DRAGONBORN with LEGENDARY EVERYTHING, leggings included. When you're trying to get intricate and immerse yourself in the world of Skyrim as much as possible, lettuce get some pants we can enchant, and maybe throw on an armor-class upgrade.

  
• Removal of Classes - Todd Howard, when asked about the missing create-a-class feature in Skyrim, is quoted saying  "[Gamers] would play [Oblivion] for, like, three hours and then [say] 'Oh, I picked the wrong skills,' and start over." Is that true for anyone (let alone the majority of Oblivion fans)? We remember creating, in high amounts of detail, mind you, the in's and out's of our character's class, taking time to ensure everything was just right (At least, that is what true gamers did). If you are about to make the commitment of playing a game like Oblivion, you don't just rush into creating some bullshit class because you can't wait to watch an emperor get slain in a sewer, you gotta be gentle with it, like moose meat and Swedish ladies... and making sure you got everything just right before your adventure began. 

We understand that removing the somewhat-complex class creation system will make starting the game much more easy for the many newbies to the series, but we older fans would opt for more opportunities to make the character on the screen our own; It's not even like you can change your 'class' (Double-Staff Warrior, is that you?) as freely as we would assume at first, with the Guardian Stones basically influencing what you are (Perhaps you would care for some aged Lord Stone Magic-Tank?) And sure, the literal physical look of your character can be customized in great depth, but we know how that goes...

Unappreciated Aspects- In the Shadow of the Throat of the World 

In the midst of all this nerd-rage, we have taken the time to address what we feel is often over looked, things that Bethesda deserves major kudos for...

•  Books - If you ever want to take a load off from adventuring, Skyrim (as well as Oblivion) boats a huge selection of books with subject matters ranging from the lore and legends of Tamriel to 'erotic' tales of weapon polishing. If you're an avid reader, or just want to learn a thing to two about the history of the Mage's Guild, try reading a book (in-game of course) when you next get the chance.

• Wildlife- Your making your way across a grand mountain range when, suddenly, you straight up get mauled by a cougar. Real talk though, the amount of wildlife in this game is great - they don't crowd the game, yet provide good hunks of meat when you want to try out your new axe and not get arrested. At lower levels, you might even get killed by one of Skyrim's beasts, so it keeps you on your toes while you forage through brutal tundra.

• The Skill Menu - The concept is great - you wish upon a star and it then grants you skills and stuff, or something like that. In all honesty, though, the new Skill Menu is very nice. Plugging your skills and talents in via constellations is both engaging and aesthetically pleasing, adding a very nice 'ancestral' feel to the game (Look at the constellations in our own night sky and try honesty saying you don't feel at one with our ancient Greek brethren) In addition, it is refreshing that we don't need to find a bed to sleep in when leveling up, like we had to do in Oblivion (Level 25? Let me just find a Holiday Inn near the Sigillum Sanguis).

- written by Nick and Vin